


Heart Still Aching to Seek

by Ironlawyer



Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Civil War, Established Relationship, Internal Conflict, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-08 00:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15231573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironlawyer/pseuds/Ironlawyer
Summary: There is no going back from this. Their relationship is finally broken and it's time for Steve to take action.What Steve was thinking when he put the EMP on Tony's hand.





	Heart Still Aching to Seek

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laireshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy this story, laireshi. I liked you prompt and it was a good excuse to revist Civil War.
> 
> Thanks to my robintcj and Whenasinsilks for being lovely betas. This fic was a mess without you.
> 
> You can now read this fic translated into Chinese [HERE](http://hailstony.actbbs.com/thread-6294-1-1.html)

Sometimes Steve feels like he’s never really known Tony at all. He wants to believe the best in him, always has, but after the drinking, after his crusade to get his armour back and that first betrayal… He forgave Tony then, but things never quite went back to what they were.

They stand across the battlefield now, their city burning. Their home, their people, their entire lives falling down around them. He looks into the eyes of the helmet and doesn’t see Tony, only a cold machine and his own reflection in the polished metal. Steve sees his suit, sees the flag, sees the man he is supposed to be and the country and people he is supposed to stand for. Thinks of all the sacrifices he’s made, all the things he’s lost to be this man, to be Captain America.

Steve has forgiven Tony a lot of things, but this war is bigger than them and no amount of apologies, however heartfelt, can ever fix this rift now. Even though they fought, Steve always believed Tony knew how to fight for what was right, but Tony is not the man Steve thought he was.

The device is clipped over Steve’s palm, digging into the fabric, pushing tight and unnatural against his skin. He tries to keep his fingers loose - don’t twitch, don’t look, don’t draw attention. Tony is a man to notice the minutiae.

Steve is not as good at hiding things as Tony is.

He feels like a liar. Pictures himself reaching out a hand for the first time and calling Tony partner. _Partners._ He wants to laugh at the thought and wonders if Tony had ever really thought that was what they were. He remembers the sound of heavy breathing and desperate _I love yous_ and thinks it was simple once, and maybe Tony had loved him, before he got lost in all this.

It hasn’t been simple in a long time. Tony has been ruining them since the start and Steve has always been stupid enough to come back and be ruined again.

This last time, after Rumiko, after Wanda, Steve had truly believed they were stronger together. They needed each other. He remembers the touch of Tony’s skin against his only nights ago. Tony had been thinking of this even then. Planning a prison, planning a war, planning to break them apart for the last time and never sharing any of it with Steve. He had let Steve imagine it was love and not lies that held them together.

He feels cold and grim inside him now, where once Tony felt like _home._ Now it’s festering, ugly and untamed, and for the first time, he wants to see Tony suffer. He wants to hold him down and pound into him until he’s bloody and broken and that shell, that armour, that ugly thing he hides behind is nothing but dust. He wants this to be Tony, looking him in the eye saying _I want this_. Steve has seen too much of Iron Man and now all he wants is Tony.

He thinks he loved Iron Man too, once. When everything was new. Teammates. Friends. The hesitancy of _will he love me back._ The way that first kiss had felt, short and tender and like Steve’s whole world had been drenched in colour.

He feels his resolve crumbling away. Remembers the men they were and everything they shared.

He wants to say _show yourself_. Beg him to stop hiding behind that armour. He wants to flip his own cowl back and look Tony in the eye, two men, two lovers, something more than these detached opponents they have to be here. _Do you love me,_ he wants to ask.

_Did you ever?_

But Tony’s mask stays down, and so does Steve’s and when they lock eyes with each other it’s man to machine. Iron Man and Captain America.

It hurts, because he _did_ love Iron Man once. Before they fought over alcohol and armour. Before Steve realised that Iron Man was just a way for Tony to hide from himself. Before Tony injected himself with that fucking virus and didn’t even bother to tell Steve. He loved Iron Man before Iron Man was what stood between him and Tony.

He thinks he hates him now. Iron Man. Tony too, maybe.

There is too much fire between Steve and Tony for love to be something smooth and calm. They burn, intense in everything. They know best how to hurt each other because they know best how to love each other. He hates Tony because he loves him.

Tony can lose his respect, break their bond, disappoint him again and again, and Steve will never stop loving him.

All those years ago, Steve had only known how to love him. Before the cracks had shown. Before Tony was a man Steve _really_ knew.

Now, he runs his thumb along the edge of the EMP. It’s just a tiny chip of metal. It’s everything and nothing. A device just the same was the beginning of this and this one will be the end of it. Steve never forgot what it felt like when Tony sent that shock through him, stood over his paralysed body, showed Steve how unimportant he really was. He wonders if Tony will even recognise this for what it is. A reflection of their history. That day in the warehouse. The first time Steve had truly realised the power Tony held; how deeply he could hurt him.

He feels like he is saying goodbye. He feels like Tony said goodbye all those years ago and he was just too stubborn to see it.

It should’ve been obvious then, that this thing between them was dangerous, but Tony drew him in like a moth to his lamplight. Tony shone too bright to ignore. There’s no going back this time. Steve will bury this thing between them like it should’ve been buried the first time.

This time, Tony will know what it feels like to be betrayed.

He imagines holding Tony’s hand, squeezing until the gauntlet gives way, shrapnel wedged between them, his blood and Tony’s mingling.

He wonders what Tony has prepared for this meeting. Something crazy and painful that Steve can’t even imagine yet. He clenches his hand, feels the sharp edge of metal pressing into his palm. Stays determined and strong. He won’t feel guilty, because Tony won’t either. He won’t stop, because Tony won’t stop. He won’t hold back, because Tony won’t hold back. Tony started this.

Tony is a liar, ruthless and clinical, and Extremis has turned him into all his worst traits.

Steve shouldn’t think it. Tony is a good man, better than this, maybe, if only he wasn’t too stubborn to see. Tony is stubborn; Steve is stubborn. They couldn’t have lived this life as long as they have if they weren’t. He wants to believe that the good man he loved is still in there somewhere, hates himself for wondering if that man ever existed.

Tony could take that guilt and twist it into something sinister, if Steve lets him. If he listens. That’s what Tony wants, because Steve always listens, and Steve always concedes and Steve doesn’t know how to say no when Tony starts talking.

So he won’t let Tony talk.

Tony will fight this fight with all he has and he won’t realise how wrong he is until it’s already too late. Steve knows this because he knows Tony.

He wants to waver, like he always has. He doesn’t want to be the one to break them. Doesn’t want to admit he knows Tony already has.

Tony wants to talk, like Steve expected, because Tony is a talker. Steve liked that in him, once. He would talk his way out of as many problems as Steve punched through. From this end though, there’s an edge in his words. Carefully picked, distant, like this is a game of chess and he’s just moving the pieces. Like there’s _nothing_ between them. Like he isn’t talking to _Steve_ at all.

Tony is used to getting his own way.

Finally, Tony lifts the faceplate and meets Steve’s eye. It’s a manipulation and Tony knows it.

Steve knows how this will go. Tony will talk, and Tony will not listen. Steve doesn’t make the same mistake twice. Tony was his home, but Steve has learned to live with losses.

He takes his first step across the divide and remembers how it felt to take those steps on the battlefield the first time he wore the uniform. Some sacrifices are worth the pain.

He looks at Tony and reaches out. This is the life they choose. He loves Tony and he hates this, but he has to stand for something bigger. "You’ve got five minutes."

"Five minutes is all I need." 

_Five minutes is all I need._ After that first betrayal, when Steve was still raw, and the bridges were smouldering but not yet burned down, Tony begged him to listen then too.

They could still work; Tony still loved him. He was sorry.  If Steve would only give him a moment, Tony would prove how good they could be.

Steve had allowed it then, because he was weak. Tony had kissed him and that was all it had taken to soothe the sting of betrayal.

Steve has always been weak where Tony is concerned. It’s time he remembered how to be strong.

He takes Tony’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to like/reblog on Tumblr you can do so [here](http://ironlawyer.tumblr.com/post/176072979267/fic-heart-still-aching-to-seek).


End file.
